No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
