are you still at the devil's house?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
