When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
