dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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