I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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