I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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