So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
40s are totally the cure
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
