Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
