a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
