Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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