i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
