Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
