Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
