I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
