perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
