her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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