she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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