Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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