Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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