I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
