Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
