First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
