Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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