shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
