Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
