i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
