I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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