also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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