i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Soap is not a condiment
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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