My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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