So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
