so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
