I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
