Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
