it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
