You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We had to coat check the pizza.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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