I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
