So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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