the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
