Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
