so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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