Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
