You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
