i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
