My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
