my soul wont recognize me after tonight
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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