the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
