You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
