You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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