Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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